Jokes

[himenokuri]

you know for when ppl here are sad they can come to this thread and get a laugh I will start with this one: This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little: Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: 'Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.' That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to Herself: I SERIOUSLY don't think so !!!!!

[sredd]

JokesPonderings for the New Year... If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?Why do we say something is out of whack?What is a whack?If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

[ricodubs]

More things to ponder pt. 2...What does a bucked toothed cow say... Moof.Whats it called when you eat cheese that doesn't belong to you...Nacho Cheese.Why is a parkway not called a driveway, and a driveway not called a parkway?If octo means eight, why is October the 10th month?When do blind people know when they have finished wiping their butt?Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?If there was a such thing as instant water, what would we mix it with?Not a ponder but a funny statement by the late Redd Foxx..."I was so poor growing up, that for xmas if I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with."

[Frey]

Ponderings pt 3.If olive oil comes from olives, what does baby oil come from?Monday....What a way to waste 1/7th of your life.Bills travel at twice the speed of checks.From the late George Carlin: "What does "pre-boarding" mean? Do I get on before I get on?"

[sredd]

Old Is When... 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!''OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,'OLD' IS WHEN.. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.AND'OLD' IS WHEN... You're not sure if these are jokes.

[sredd]

Life is just for living! My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license t o verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later . The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And that's how the fight started ... My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started..... I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first... 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And then the fight started..... A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

[agent 47]

There were five peanuts,walking down distrassar,one was asaulted peanut,ho ho ho! Another one:My dog has no nose! How does he smell? Awful!

[miamijimf]

2008 Darwin Awards (the stupidest stunts in the news)Number 4 gets a bonus award for creativity!!!1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on thecounter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [if someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home nearspilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[sredd]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning" said the young man."If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away", said the old lady. "I haven't got any money. I'm broke", and she proceeded to closer the door.Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door, and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet."If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

[Mr. Burnett]

My old standby:A man was arrested when officers accidentally caught him masturbating in his car.What was he charged with?CarjackingFrom a man I've held in high regard my entire life, the late great Nipsey Russell:The opposite of pro is con, that much we all know. If PROgress means "move forward," than what does CONgress mean?........Think about it.

[sredd]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, the bastard had all dimes!'

[sredd]

Silly Computer AcronymsPCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry AcronymsISDN: It Still Does NothingAPPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing EntitySCSI: System Can't See ItDOS: Defective Operating SystemBASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry ControlIBM: I Blame Microsoft DEC: Do Expect CutsCD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in MonthsOS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.WWW: World Wide WaitMACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System HangsPENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of MathematicsAMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game AddictionLISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly ParenthesesMIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor SpeedWINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole SystemMICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools TeenagersRISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

[sredd]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.He asks, "What was that for?"She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.He asks, "What was that for?"She answers, "Your horse called."

[sredd]

Things We've Learned From The Movies1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not. 2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. 8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving. 15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.) 17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. 22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed. 23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps. 26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English

[sredd]

Air Traffic Control...Hope these put a smile on your face. These are actual air traffic control exchanges from various sources: ========================= Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ========================= "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.""Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ========================= O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight." ========================= A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ========================= One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." =========================== While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up!It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of USAir 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking,"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[agent 47]

1. Large" data-date=" loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.[/FONT">

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. 8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving. 15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.) 17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. 22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed. 23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps. 26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English

Hey,you're right!Also 1.all villians seem to do nothing until the hero shows up 2.Crimes are usually solved by little old ladies rather than the police themselves 3.people never get a wrong number whilr calling for backup during a shootout 4.villians seem to turn dumb when they are about to get killed 5.spies are always rich and drive fancy cars...on a public servant's pay!

[sredd]

Leading Man...A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."His father congratulated him said "That's good son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

[sredd]

Is it because... A girl came skipping home from school one day."Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!""Very good," said her mother."Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said."Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.The next day the girl came skipping home from school."Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!""Very good," said her mother."Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?""Yes, it's because you're blonde."The next day the girl came skipping home from school."Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest."Very good," said her embarrassed mother."Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?""No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[sredd]

Cheeky MonkeyA police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?""Yes," motioned the monkey."What happened?"The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer.The monkey shakes his head "Yes.""What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth."They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey shakes his head "Yes.""What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing.""They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.The monkey shakes his head "Yes.""Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."The monkey shakes his head "Yes.""What were you doing during all this?""Driving," motioned the monkey.

[sredd]

Give A Man A Fish...One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there."Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on. He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there."

A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue. He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!"The fisherman, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?""No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager."

[Frey]

A man and his 12 y/o grandson go fishing. While they're fishing, grandpa starts to dink some beer. The grandson asks if he can have some, and grandpa replies, "Can you hit your a** with d***?" The kid says he can't and grandpa says, "Sorry, no beer."When they get back, they stop in a store to get some things and grandpa gets some scratch tickets. He feels bad about not letting his grandson have some beer, so he lets him scratch a few tickets. A few minutes later, the kid says, "Grandpa! I won $20,000! Grandpa looks at the ticket and says, "Indeed you did! Can I split it with you?"The kid thinks for a moment and says, "Can you hit your a** with your d***?" Grandpa says, "Why, yes I can..." and the kid says, "Good! Go f**k yourself!"

[sredd]

Children of the Future...This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops. 15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. 16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. 17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. 18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.

[sredd]

Worry Wort...Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""Excuse me?" the accountant said."I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.""I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?""I'll start you at eighty thousand.""Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?""That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[sredd]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says,"excuse me, did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Arrghh! It's driving me nuts!"

[sredd]

The ItchOnce upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick readily agreed.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to the King & Queen's chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, w hich he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick could not have cared less about paying Horatio, knowing that Horatio would never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick ..................................