COOPER&BURNETT Posted April 20, 2009 Report Share Posted April 20, 2009 I kneeeeewwww that was coming! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sredd Posted April 21, 2009 Report Share Posted April 21, 2009 A Management Lesson...A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.""Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."Management lesson?Always let your boss have the first say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frey Posted April 21, 2009 Report Share Posted April 21, 2009 Why are gay men the first to check-out of a hotel in the morning? Because they packed their s**t the night before! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sredd Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 A Lesson From A Lawyer...Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sredd Posted May 7, 2009 Report Share Posted May 7, 2009 Skinny DippingAn elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Some old men can still think fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sredd Posted May 13, 2009 Report Share Posted May 13, 2009 Speak To My Lawyer...A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sredd Posted May 15, 2009 Report Share Posted May 15, 2009 If I Only Had A...An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?" After some careful thought, the patient replied, "I'll take the lawyer's heart." After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart. "It was easy," explained the patient... "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sredd Posted May 20, 2009 Report Share Posted May 20, 2009 Horsing Around...Brian and his two friends are hanging out at a bar. They're talking about life, sports and other guy things when the conversation finally gets around to to their marriages. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."His second friend says: "You know what? I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."Brian, surprised by the candor of his friends, decides to come forth with his marital concerns: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him, or course, with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frey Posted May 22, 2009 Report Share Posted May 22, 2009 There once was a couple named KellyWho walked around belly to bellyBecause in their hasteThey used library pasteInstead of petrolium jelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sredd Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Polly Wants a Cracker...A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad." When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted May 28, 2014 Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 A wife left home for about a month on a business trip. A husband stayed home. When he decided to have something to eat, he couldn't find a single knife, fork or spoon in the house. He sent his wife a telegram: "Honey, where are all our spoons, forks and knives?" The answer was: "Spend your nights at home". The husband was confused, not understanding what she meant. He searched all over the kitchen once again and sent another telegram to his wife, asking the same. The answer was: "Sleep at home". The husband didn't understand anything, and still couldn't find any fork, spoon of knife in the house. When the wife came home, he asked: "Darling, where have all our forks, spoons and knives disappeared?! I've sent you two telegrams, and your answers were really weird". "I've told you - you should spend your nights at home", - said the wife. Then she led him to the bedroom, took the cloth off the bed, and all forks, spoons and knives were there. One morning I was driving to work as usual. I took an accidental glance to the left and saw a lady in a brand new “Ford Mustang†going not less than 60 mph, who was staring into the rear-view mirror and applying mascara. I looked away, just for a couple of seconds, and I when I turned back she was half on my side, calmly proceeding with her make-up. I’m a tough guy, you know, and not scared easily… but that time I was so afraid that I dropped my electric razor, which knocked out a doughnut from my other hand.Trying to straighten out the steering wheel with my knees, I accidentally touched the wire of my ear-phone, which dropped out of my ear and fell, together with my cell-phone, into the coffee cup standing between my legs. Not only an expensive mobile phone was destroyed, but a very important phone call was disconnected. DAMN THOSE FEMALE DRIVERS!!! A wife to her husband:- Honey, I discussed sex topic with out daughter today… You know, she is 15 already…- So what?- I just can’t wait to try some things she have told me about… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victor Posted May 28, 2014 Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 one day,teenage son comes back from school and catch his father "spanking the monkey" -Dad!what are you doing?! the father did not want to look bad in his sons eyes so he come up with a story:-well son,this is how I play with my toy soldier.I dress him and undress him,its a game.the next day evening father returns home from work and find his soon lying in the puddle of blood.he freaks out,run to his son and ask him what happened.-dad,I was playing with my toy soldier as you did,but when he spit on me I bite that bastards head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victor Posted May 28, 2014 Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) two cops are patrolling on the road at night,one of them goes for a leak and that other one in that time notice incoming car in big speed and tries to pull it of and the car hits him to death,the half drunk driver hops out of the car -oh my god!I just hit a cop!also I'm drunk behind the wheel,thats it I'm going to jail for life!okey I need to stop to panic and come up with something. and right next to the road is a cemetery the driver thinks -okey,I have a lot of money I will go to the cemetery guard,pay him and he will bury the police officer with all the evidence that I did kill him.he drop the body in the trunk drives to the cemetery and find a old man who just finished drinking a bottle of vodka and was on his way to take a nap.-listen old man,I have a tragedy,my friend had died and my heart will not let me be calm if I do not take care of his body.here is $500 just bury him and let him rest in peace.the old man takes a shovel and the money and goes to bury the dead officer.in that time driver hops in the car and push pedal to the metal to get away from this place as soon as possible and entering the road in tops speed he hits the other officer who was returning from the bushes.driver totally freaked out.he drops in the trunk the other officers body and return to the cemetery.run inside the guards place where the guard was already done with burying and just started to snore.-hey!wake up!you buried my friend incorrect,he got out.here is another $500 and now do it right this time.the old man half sleeping get outs of the bed and goes to bury the man again.the driver finally run from there and in some time another police car pull over to the cemetery to ask around if someone did see two police officer who had vanished.one police officer comes up to the sleeping old man -hello maybe you see two policemen pass here not so long ago? the old man wakes up from long waited sleep,opens his eyes see the officer,take the shovel and hit him in the head as hard as he can.-will you stop popping out as***le!I'm trying to sleep! Edited May 28, 2014 by Victor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt5 Posted May 28, 2014 Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 two cops are patrolling on the road at night,one of them goes for a leak and that other one in that time notice incoming car in big speed and tries to pull it of and the car hits him to death,the half drunk driver hops out of the car -oh my god!I just hit a cop!also I'm drunk behind the wheel,thats it I'm going to jail for life!okey I need to stop to panic and come up with something. and right next to the road is a cemetery the driver thinks -okey,I have a lot of money I will go to the cemetery guard,pay him and he will bury the police officer with all the evidence that I did kill him.he drop the body in the trunk drives to the cemetery and find a old man who just finished drinking a bottle of vodka and was on his way to take a nap.-listen old man,I have a tragedy,my friend had died and my heart will not let me be calm if I do not take care of his body.here is $500 just bury him and let him rest in peace.the old man takes a shovel and the money and goes to bury the dead officer.in that time driver hops in the car and push pedal to the metal to get away from this place as soon as possible and entering the road in tops speed he hits the other officer who was returning from the bushes.driver totally freaked out.he drops in the trunk the other officers body and return to the cemetery.run inside the guards place where the guard was already done with burying and just started to snore.-hey!wake up!you buried my friend incorrect,he got out.here is another $500 and now do it right this time.the old man half sleeping get outs of the bed and goes to bury the man again.the driver finally run from there and in some time another police car pull over to the cemetery to ask around if someone did see two police officer who had vanished.one police officer comes up to the sleeping old man -hello maybe you see two policemen pass here not so long ago? the old man wakes up from long waited sleep,opens his eyes see the officer,take the shovel and hit him in the head as hard as he can.-will you stop popping out as***le!I'm trying to sleep! ha ha nice funny 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted May 29, 2014 Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 A student to his groupmate:- Come on, let’s skip next lecture…- Sorry, but I can’t… I really need some sleep. - Have you heard that Kate got married?- Yeah. This is really awful… She’s so young, and married an old man…- What? You confuse things all the time, you idiot… He is not a veteran, he is a veterinarian! It means one who doesn’t eat any meat. A job add:“Are you beautiful? Do you have a fine figure? Is your age between 18 and 24? Are you really fascinating? Do you want to get paid 5-10 thousand dollars per a month?If the answer is yes, then go away and mind your own business! We need a janitor!†A man’s body contains 70% of water. A cucumber contains 90% of water. After a simple calculation it becomes obvious that a man is a 90% cucumber. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted May 30, 2014 Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 A little boy is playing near the house. His mother opens the window and cries out:- Johnny, go home!The boy turns up his head and screams back:- Am I cold?- No, you are hungry! Many female medical students are very surprised, when they are told on the lessons that their breasts can also be used for feeding babies. A big young man comes to a construction site to get a job.- All right, what you are able to do? – the foreman asked.- To dig.- What else?- Well… not to dig. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt5 Posted May 30, 2014 Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 A little boy is playing near the house. His mother opens the window and cries out:- Johnny, go home!The boy turns up his head and screams back:- Am I cold?- No, you are hungry! Many female medical students are very surprised, when they are told on the lessons that their breasts can also be used for feeding babies. A big young man comes to a construction site to get a job.- All right, what you are able to do? – the foreman asked.- To dig.- What else?- Well… not to dig. Enjoying these Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators James Posted May 30, 2014 Administrators Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt5 Posted May 30, 2014 Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.The oldest are the best !? Ha ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Girl Posted May 30, 2014 Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the backgroundchecks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 Revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators James Posted May 31, 2014 Administrators Report Share Posted May 31, 2014 The oldest are the best !? Ha ha Jou got it, mang. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted May 31, 2014 Report Share Posted May 31, 2014 An old Indian told his grandson:- A never-ending fight is going on inside of every human being. It is like a fight between two wolves. One wolf represents evil - jealousy, hatred, deceit and selfishness… The other one represents good - kindness, love, hope, faith and devotion…- Which wolf will win? – asked the little Indian. His grandfather smiled and said:- The one you feed better. A daughter’s phone call to her father:- Hi, daddy! Congratulate me, I’ve just got married…- I don’t care!!! Whatever happens, you must be home at 10 p.m! Several days before the wedding…- Darling, me and my friends decided to throw a bachelor party tomorrow…- Oh, isn’t it terrific! I guess you are going to buy a lot of vodka, call a bunch of hookers and f*** them all night!!- Come on, honey, what are you talking about? We’ll just have some beer and do some talk…- Hey, who are trying to deceive here? Do you think I’ve never been at a bachelor’s party?! A guy and a girl stopped their car in the countryside, ready to make love. Suddenly the girl said:- I should have told you before, but I’m a hooker, and I take money for it… You should pay me 20 dollars.The young man gave her the money, and they made love. After they were finished he sat staring at the window and doing nothing.- Why aren’t we driving back home? – the girl asked.- Well… I should have told you before, but I am a taxi driver. And a trip back to town will cost you 30 bucks. From a man’s letter to his wife from a long business trip: “Darling, you are the most fascinating woman in the world! There can be no other like you. Yesterday I assured myself of it once again…†- Darling, I’ve known only one intelligent woman in my life!- Who?- You, idiot! A Ukrainian woman married a man from Uzbekistan. Next day after wedding night they were discussing their future life.- Listen to me carefully, my beloved wife, - the Uzbek man said. – And don’t you ever forget what I’ll say. When I come home from work, you should always pay attention to the position of the cap on my head. If it is closer to the right side, it means that I’m in a good mood. In this case I’m going to love you, respect you and care for you. We’ll prepare traditional Uzbek dishes together, make love and so on… But if my cap is on the left side of my head, it means that I’m in a bad mood. Then you better run and hide, cover your face with a veil, just try to stay away from me as much as you can, because I just can’t imagine what I’m capable of doing to you when I’m very angry…- All right,- the Ukrainian woman answered, - I got it. And now you listen to me very carefully and don’t ever forget what I’m going to say. When you come home from work and I meet you at the door, you should always pay attention to the position of my hands and arms. If my hands are on my chest, it means I’m in a good mood, and I will love you, respect you, prepare a wonderful dinner for you and all that… But if I stand with my arms akimbo… In this case I just won’t give a damn about your cap!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted May 31, 2014 Report Share Posted May 31, 2014 How to determine who is who in a madhouse? It is actually very simple.If a patient spits at a passer-by, and this other person…1. …jumps back terrified – he (or she) is a visitor.2. …starts screaming and cursing – he is another patient.3. … hits the patient – he is an attendant.4. …spits back – he is a DOCTOR. A piece of IM correspondence.She: Come to my place tonight, I need you to reinstall Windows on my computer.He: Sorry, I can’t… I don’t have any installation disks at the moment.She: Well, drop at a drugstore and by some…He: If you don’t shut up, you idiot, I’ll come to reinstall your Windows with my bags packed! My wife is standing right behind me… A telephone call at 3 a.m.- Hello! Excuse me… have I woken you up?- Of course you have!- Oh, I’m so sorry… All right, I’ll call you in the morning, then. I can tell you are not in the mood to talk right now, it feels in the sound of your voice… What is depression?It is when you turn on your computer, activate connection with the Internet and have no idea where to go… A wife is making fried eggs for breakfast. Suddenly her husband runs into the kitchen.- Be careful, - he says to her, - be VERY CAREFUL! Pour some more oil! O, my God, you are frying too many eggs at once! TOO MANY!!! Turn them upside down to fry the other side… I said TURN THEM NOW!!!! God, we need more oil… The eggs are going to stick to the pan if we don’t find some oil… Please, be careful… BE CAREFUL, I SAID!!!! You never listen to me when you fry eggs! NEVER!!! Turn them to the other side right now! Are you stupid or something? Are you crazy? And don’t forget to put salt! You always forget!!! Use some salt! Do you hear me? USE SALT!!!! I MEAN SALT, DAMN IT!!!!The wife looks at him amazed:- Hey, what’s wrong with you today? Do you think I can’t cook such a simple thing as fried eggs without your directions?!- No, darling… I just wanted to show you how I feel when I drive a car with you sitting next to me… Age stages.First: you spend all night hell-raising, drinking, doing hell knows what… but in the morning no on can tell it from your looks.Second: you spend all night hell-raising, drinking, doing hell knows what… and in the morning it’s all obvious on your face.Third: you sleep all night, don’t drink, don’t do anything at all… but in the morning you look as if you were hell-raising, drinking and doing hell knows what all night. A glass-blower sneezed accidentally while being at work and a created a new IKEA vase design. A little boy took some psychological tests. The therapist invited his mother for a talk and told her:- You know, I think your child may have some problems…- Why?- I’ll show you… - Then the teacher asked the boy: - Could you please tell us how old are you?- Seven…- And what day of the week is it today?- Wednesday…- Okay, what’s the problem? His answers are all correct! – The boy’s mother said.- Wait a little… Do you know what season it is now? – The doctor proceeded.- Summer.- Are you sure? Didn’t you ski and make a snowman with you friends just yesterday?- I did.- So please think a little and answer once again – what season it is now?- Summer.- Okay, sweetie, look out of the window. See the snow? And the leafless trees? And people in warm coat and hats?- Yes.- What kind of summer this can be, then?!- Shitty summer! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 - Hi, Mary! What don’t you ask me how I am?- All right, how do you do, Jane?- Don’t ask!!! Two strangers, a man and a woman, in one compartment in a train. The man reads newspaper and pays no attention to the lady. She starts making eyes, taking different positions to attract his attention - nothing. She becomes a bit nervous, starts making her bed, pushes the man as if by accident, asks him to help her… he does, and then sits down again with his newspaper. The woman becomes more nervous. She undresses for sleep in front of him demonstratively – the man stays indifferent. At last she gets into bed, barely covered, and says in a pure indignation:- Okay, mister, maybe you would care to lie down next to me, at last?!The man puts off his newspaper, stands up and says to himself, barely hiding his triumph:- I’ve always been sure that it’s much better to wait 40 minutes than to spend 3 hours coaxing her… A Chukchi man comes to a shaman and asks:- Please, tell me, will this winter be cold or warm?“If I tell him it will be warm, he won’t get any firewood… So I’d better tell him it will be very coldâ€, - the shaman thought, and so he did. The Chuchki got properly dressed, took an axe and went to the forest.Then the shaman got curious and decided to get the weather forecast himself. He came to meteorologists station and asked:- Hey, guys, what can you tell about this winter? Will it be warm or cold?- It will be very cold.- But how do you know?- It’s very simple, just look right there… See? A Chuchki man came out of his «yaranga» and goes to the forest to get some firewood… Snake family – father snake, mother snake and two kids. The father is at his computer, the mother is cooking something in the kitchen, children are playing. Suddenly the father starts hissing discontentedly:- Sssss… Sssstupid macccchine… Not resssssponding again…The mother sighs:- Come on, kids, move… Let’s go help Daddy type “CTRL+ALT+DELâ€â€¦ A programmer became a priest. Once he comes to church after a weekend of heavy drinking and says his sermon, faltering:- May F1 help you, may F2 save you… In the name of Control, Alt and the Holy Del – so be it, ENTER! A programmer woke up next morning after a big party, turned and saw a girl sleeping by his side. His first thought was: “Unknown device detected…†A programmer comes to a paranormal phenomena specialist:- Help me, please! Such strange things are happening in my apartment… Installation disks fly around the room, get into the computer by themselves and install Windows!!!- Oh, my… I think you are suffering from polterGates! What’s the difference between a user and a programmer?If you ask them to reset their computer using a mouse only, a user will open the start menu, and a programmer will take a mouse and push the “Reset†button with it… One Russian hacker has tampered with “Tomahawk†missile’s software… Now it’s called “Boomerangâ€. A call to the technical support service:- Hi? Who’s general Failor, and why the hell is reading my disk?!!When specialist studied the problem carefully, it appeared to be a system message: “General failure, reading your disk…†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 A man complains to his friend:- Hell, people became so rude and impolite these days! Yesterday I was coming out of a bar, and some idiot stepped on my ear! Can you imagine? - Promise you won’t drink anymore!- All right, I promise… I won’t drink any MORE. But I won’t drink any less either. Two cats owned by drunkards met on the street. One was very thin and shabby, and the other one fat and happy.- Oh my God, how come you are so fat?! – the skinny one asked, really shocked. – I know too well that your master is just like mine, drinks all the time and never have any food!- But what does he sees when he is drunk?- Most of time green devils…- And mine sees pink mice. Two drug addicts are smoking pot. One says to another:- Hey, look! A pink elephant!!- Where?- Just flew out of the window…Two cops are walking along the street. One says to another:- Hey, look there! I bet there are dopers in that apartment.- How do you know?- A pink elephant has just flown out of the window… Two dopers came to Australia and saw a jumping kangaroo. One of them exclaimed:- WOW!!! I wonder what kind of cannabis they must have here, if they have such huge grasshoppers?!! A bunch of dopers decided to go home. The most sober one told the others:- I’ll take a cab and pay the driver, and you all just get in and stay silent! We do not want anyone to know that we are stoned…They did so. Several minutes later the driver asked:- I guess you smoked pot today, didn’t you, guys?- How do you know?!- “How do you I know…†What else can I think if I see five silent men sitting on a front seat? Two snakes are crawling across the desert. One asks another:- Are we poisonous?- Yes, we are…- Oh my God, then I’m going to die very soon!- But why?- I’ve just bit my tongue by accident… A schoolboy farted in a classroom. The teacher told him to go out. He went out and started wondering around the school, shouting:- Where’s logic?! What’s the sense?!Then he was stopped by a headmaster:- Hey, Jimmy, what happened? Why are you out of the classroom and making all this fuss?- Okay, I’ll tell you. I farted in the classroom. They sent me out, but stayed there themselves! Where’s the logic? What the sense of it?! A young boy bought some marijuana, came home, smoked it and felt nothing.- Such rotten stuff they gave me, - he thought, - no effect at all!Then he went to the window and started staring out of it, still thinking. Suddenly his mother came to him and said:- Hey, sweetie, maybe you would like to eat something? I’m worried, you’ve been standing here like this for three days already… Too little kids played in a sand-box.- You know, Sammy, it’s so easy to blackmail grown-ups, - one of the boys said to another. – Yesterday I came up to my brother and said: “I know something about youâ€. He was really scared, gave me a dollar and asked not to tell Mom and Dad.- Wow, that’s cute! I have to try it myself…In the evening Sammy’s father came home late. Sammy came up to him and said:- Dad, I know where you’ve been tonight…- All right, just don’t tell Mom! –the father said and gave Sammy five dollars.In the morning Sammy came up to his Mom and said quietly:- Mommy, I know something about you…“Oh, no, - the mother thought, - I don’t want my husband to know…†She gave Sammy ten dollars and asked not to tell his father.The happy boy went to the street and met their neighbour.- Good morning, uncle Jack! I know everything about you…- Oh my God! Son, I’m so happy that your mother has told you at last… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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