Tom Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 A guy enters a police station in NYC with a penguin and asks the officer on duty what to do with the animal. The officer replies: no idea, go to the zoo with the penguin. the guy leaves. the other day the officer is on patrol and stumbles across the guy who is walking on Times Square together with the penguin. He stops and barks at the guy: haven't I told you yesterday to get the penguin to the zoo? the guy replies: we were there yesterday as you suggested. but today we will visit the Statue of Liberty and the Museum of Modern Art! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt5 Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 A guy enters a police station in NYC with a penguin and asks the officer on duty what to do with the animal.The officer replies: no idea, go to the zoo with the penguin. the guy leaves.the other day the officer is on patrol and stumbles across the guy who is walking on Times Square together with the penguin.He stops and barks at the guy: haven't I told you yesterday to get the penguin to the zoo?the guy replies: we were there yesterday as you suggested. but today we will visit the Statue of Liberty and the Museum of Modern Art! Great Tom - happy birthday my friend !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 An old lady came to a physician.- Doctor, help me, please… I fart very often and do not even hear myself – it’s so embarrassing…- Okay, take these pills – one three times a day.- Will I hear better?- No, you will fart louder. A man is in bed with his mistress. Suddenly she asks:- Darling, have you ever worked as a plumber?- No, why?!- You should start to learn this profession right now! My husband has just come back from his business trip… A math teacher to the pupils:- Please write down the problem situation: a boy has got X apples… No, X is too few… Let it be Y. - How do you think, do smart dogs exist?- Of course they do! Some dogs are even smarter that their masters. I used to have such one… At the drug-store.- Lady, give me some diet pills, please.- But I’ve sold you ten packs just ten minutes ago!- I’m still hungry… Two friends decided to have some fun. One says to another:- Let’s play a game. I’ll hide a bottle of vodka behind my back, and you must tell which hand I’ll be holding it with. If you guess right, we’ll drink it. If you are wrong, we’ll smash it. Ready? Go.- Well… left, maybe?- Think, pal, think very carefully… A doctor:- You must know that drinking too much alcohol makes a person apathetic and indifferent to life…The patient:- I don’t care! A drunk comes to photographer’s:- I would l-l-like a g-g-group photo, p-please…The photographer:- All r-r-right, s-s-stand like a c-c-crescent… New Murphy’s law: “If you want to type a text, the language keyboard layout will be wrong in any caseâ€. A patient comes to a psychiatrist with a sock on his fist, sits down and says with a sad voice:- Doctor, I have this sock on my fist, and it feels so uncomfortable…- Take if off, then, - the doctor answers calmly.The patient takes the sock off, thanks the doctor and goes out, very pleased. The doctor stares at the door for about a minute. Then he loses his nerve, jumps up, tears a shirt on his chest, turns over his desk and screams:- DAMN THOSE LOONIES!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 A man with a gloomy face rides a bus, thinking: “I’m surrounded with idiots all the time, my boss is a jerk, and my wife is a bitch…â€His guardian angel stands behind his back with a notebook, writing carefully: “Idiots around, a jerk for a boss, a bitch for a wife…†“He’s been having all this for a long time, how come he still wants it? – the angel thinks, feeling confused. – But if he does – all right, I have to perform his order…†- Sherlock, what do we need this huge cage for?- Patience, Watson, I’ll explain it later. Now you tell me – has sir Henry Baskerville paid our fee?- Yes, Holmes, he has.- All right, then it’s time to move the dog to another swamp…on another sir’s land. A husband brought his wife in labor to a hospital. The doctor said to him:- You know, we are testing a new machine which makes possible for a child’s father to share the pain with his wife and to make the process of birth easier for her. Would you like to try it?- Oh, yes, of course, - said the husband.- Okay, then we’ll have to attach some sensors and wires to you… Remember, the pain is very intense, not every man can bear even a part of it. Now it will be turned on at the lowest mode possible, a 10% of the pain will be transfered to you… How do you feel?- I’m okay… don’t actually feel anything.- Very strange… Then we can try a bit more, like 30 per cent… what do you feel now?- Nothing.The doctor was very surprised.- It’s very unusual… okay, 50% now?- Still nothing.In the end they switched the machine to 100%, and the wife gave birth to the child very easily. When the husband got back home, he saw an ambulance, a police car and a group of people near his neighbor’s house.- What happened? – he asked.- Your neighbor was found dead on his porch today. It’s really weird… Pain shock, they say… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted June 12, 2014 Report Share Posted June 12, 2014 At the drugstore:- Please give me acetylsalicylic acid...- Do you mean aspirin?- Yeah, right... keep forgetting this word... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt5 Posted June 12, 2014 Report Share Posted June 12, 2014 At the drugstore:- Please give me acetylsalicylic acid...- Do you mean aspirin?- Yeah, right... keep forgetting this word... Good joke!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted June 19, 2014 Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 A Russian came to Chukotka and asked a Chukchi to take him to a bear hunting. The Chukchi said with scepticism:- You know, you must be able to run very fast if you want to hunt a bear...- Oh, I am, I'm a master of sports in running!- You know, you must be a very good shot to hunt a bear...- Oh yes, I'm a very good shot, I'm a master of sports in biathlon!- And the main thing - you must be VERY SMART to hunt a bear.- Believe me - I am smart, I'm a college professor!- OK, I'll take you.They put on skis, took rifles and went very far away from home.- See - it's a bear's den over there! - said Chukchi. - I'll go near, throw a snowball into it, and when the bear gets out, turn around and run home as fast as you can!Then the Chukchi threw a snowball into a bear's den. The bear got out, very angry. "Why in the hell should I run?" - thought the Russian and shot the bear.The Chukchi got very upset.- And you told me you were smart! - he said. - We should run home and shoot the bear THERE! And now we have to carry it for 20 kilometres!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt5 Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 A Russian came to Chukotka and asked a Chukchi to take him to a bear hunting. The Chukchi said with scepticism:- You know, you must be able to run very fast if you want to hunt a bear...- Oh, I am, I'm a master of sports in running!- You know, you must be a very good shot to hunt a bear...- Oh yes, I'm a very good shot, I'm a master of sports in biathlon!- And the main thing - you must be VERY SMART to hunt a bear.- Believe me - I am smart, I'm a college professor!- OK, I'll take you.They put on skis, took rifles and went very far away from home.- See - it's a bear's den over there! - said Chukchi. - I'll go near, throw a snowball into it, and when the bear gets out, turn around and run home as fast as you can!Then the Chukchi threw a snowball into a bear's den. The bear got out, very angry. "Why in the hell should I run?" - thought the Russian and shot the bear.The Chukchi got very upset.- And you told me you were smart! - he said. - We should run home and shoot the bear THERE! And now we have to carry it for 20 kilometres!! Very good :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted July 2, 2014 Report Share Posted July 2, 2014 If you drink 5 liters of vodka, you will have no hangover. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt5 Posted July 2, 2014 Report Share Posted July 2, 2014 If you drink 5 liters of vodka, you will have no hangover. liters or litres ?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted July 4, 2014 Report Share Posted July 4, 2014 Does it matter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt5 Posted July 4, 2014 Report Share Posted July 4, 2014 no funny jokes thankyou Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victor Posted July 4, 2014 Report Share Posted July 4, 2014 the Chukchi tribe decided to send three braves men of their tribe to see whats beyond their village,how does the civilized world looks like and come back and tell what they saw.so everyone gives them food and presents witch help them in their long journey.finally three men all covered in furs and riding the deer sledge get to the big city and bump in to the car show.all the people look at them with amazement and await what will they do.Chukchi decide to say something about the cars so they will not look stupid in front of other people.the first one come up to the car,touch its hood with hands and says:-metal,thats very good.its hard to brake and will last long for its master.the second one comes to the car and see at the windows and says:-glass is good it protects from wind and the master is able to see throw it at the blizzard.the third one do not know what to say so he comes up to the cars and grabs the mutter and yells:-its a male!oh wait people whats wrong with you?!you cut its balls!its the same like to take a soul from a human! at the construction site a man is preparing to hammer some nails and a little boy runs to him and says:-my daddy have two hammers one small and one big,with small he pulls out the nails and with the big one he knocks in nails!the worker walks away disturbed by kids creepy smile and walks to a jack-plane (I hope its the right word) and right before he starts to plane the kids hops in front of him again:-my daddy haves two planes small one and a big one.with small he smoothen parts made out of wood and with a big one he planes big logs.the worker decides to run away from kid be going to relieve oneself,he unzips his pants take out his gun and the kid pops right next to him:-my daddy..-wait don't tell me!!! -yes!my daddy has two of the small one and a big one!with the small he pees and with the big one he brushes moms teeth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt5 Posted July 5, 2014 Report Share Posted July 5, 2014 the Chukchi tribe decided to send three braves men of their tribe to see whats beyond their village,how does the civilized world looks like and come back and tell what they saw.so everyone gives them food and presents witch help them in their long journey.finally three men all covered in furs and riding the deer sledge get to the big city and bump in to the car show.all the people look at them with amazement and await what will they do.Chukchi decide to say something about the cars so they will not look stupid in front of other people.the first one come up to the car,touch its hood with hands and says:-metal,thats very good.its hard to brake and will last long for its master.the second one comes to the car and see at the windows and says:-glass is good it protects from wind and the master is able to see throw it at the blizzard.the third one do not know what to say so he comes up to the cars and grabs the mutter and yells:-its a male!oh wait people whats wrong with you?!you cut its balls!its the same like to take a soul from a human! at the construction site a man is preparing to hammer some nails and a little boy runs to him and says:-my daddy have two hammers one small and one big,with small he pulls out the nails and with the big one he knocks in nails!the worker walks away disturbed by kids creepy smile and walks to a jack-plane (I hope its the right word) and right before he starts to plane the kids hops in front of him again:-my daddy haves two planes small one and a big one.with small he smoothen parts made out of wood and with a big one he planes big logs.the worker decides to run away from kid be going to relieve oneself,he unzips his pants take out his gun and the kid pops right next to him:-my daddy..-wait don't tell me!!! -yes!my daddy has two of the small one and a big one!with the small he pees and with the big one he brushes moms teeth! Great one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheetah Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 - Who is a fool?- The fool is the one who expresses oneself so that other people can't understand them. Got it?- No... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonny-Burnett Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 Barack Obama -vs- An Intelligent Little Girl Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.†The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, “What would you like to talk about?†“Oh, I don’t know,†said Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?†and he smiles. “OK,†she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?†Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.†To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?†- See more at: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/barack-obama-vs-little-girl.html#sthash.pw5jSTI9.dpuf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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